ALIVE!

WOW! I woke up this morning with new vigor and resolve. Thanks to the Grace of GOD and your prayers and good vibes. Thank You!
I really can't express how great it feels to have a good day or several again. My sleeping in bed is improving....I'm up to about 40 minutes at a time before the pain says get up but it's coming around. I think I'll actually do some art this coming week for the first time in weeks. God is good.
I still don't see my oncologist til the 17th and don't have any idea what the game plan is. My neurapathy is improving along with my appetite. I have to stop losing weight. I pray for you all and thanks for your comments. Everyone is busy with their own lives and I respect that. Let me know if I can be of any help to you guys and thanks again for bearing with me through these tough weeks. It will get better....just a slight hiccup in the highway of life.
God bless
LOL
Ricky

Hot Footing it!

Hey Gang,
Hope all is well with you. I am just checking in to let you know I'm still around and so are my side effects. The doctor ordered some more medicine today to offset some of the effects....will see.
This time it's my feet. They are so sore on the bottoms I can't hardly walk.....I look like someone trying to walk across hot coals..hahaha. But soon this will pass as does all things.....it's just a waiting game.
Not doing much art yet for taking care of me....I told you I'm high maintenance. hahaha.
God bless
Ricky

Changing colors

Another visit today with my doctor. He is cutting back on the chemo pills to see if it will straighten me out some. GOD only knows how much I would love to get past this. Anyway all else looks good and I praise the LORD for that. Just wanted you to know. I'll be out of email for a few days again but this time to go and paint where the trees are turning colors and I may also turn colors..hhaha. Praying all is well with you guys.
LOL
Ricky

Truth or Consequences

The air is cool and crisp as it blows across my face. I can't seem to inhale enough of it. It must be my eagerness this early morning to take in all of God's creation....I've always been this way when I feel blessed just to be on this planet and to know what I have come to know as truth. All truth, if practiced, has its consequences. It will either minister to you or against you.
What is your truth and do you take time to contemplate its affect on you and others in your environment? Are you still searching for that truth that some have definitely found and others wish they had? An age old question: How can a black and white cow eat green grass and give us white milk and yellow butter?
The truth is that some things may never get answered to our satisfaction and may jade us to other truths.
I say all these things because I had a friend die recently and the question on his lips was..."Why me?" "What have I done to deserve dying like this?" He had never found the truth of life nor its author.
He was jealous of my truth because of the calm, peace and hope it gives me daily over the decades. But I tried to share my truth with him and he just couldn't receive it as his truth. Life issues can be so illusive and demanding....WHY? you might ask. Because the truth lives in the infinite and we are trying to capture its essence with a finite mind. We must search out and take time to practice a truth and in its proof to us, it is truth, we can decide to willfully submit to it for our benefit or not submit. Consequences either way. But don't wait, like my friend, until time has run its course. Think about it..

LOL
Soli Deo Gloria
Ricky

WOW!

Hey Gang!
Thanks for all the comments and checking to see where I'm at.....I'm ok..sort of. I've been having some side effect issues with this new chemo but I take my last dose of it tonight and then I have a 7 day interrupt before I go on it again for 14 days.
The doctor and I have had a few conversations this past week over my problems. He's had to stop and start me off and on and take other medicine for the diarrhea and cramping etc..
Sorry I haven't been on the computer to communicate but it's taken all my time to take care of me....hahahaha . I'm a high maintenance individual right now.
God is good though and this is just a little hiccup in the game of life.
I pray all of you have been well and let me know how I can send positive vibes your direction along with a prayer, if you don't mind.
Please keep check on me once in a while....just to make sure I haven't run off to join the circus.
I miss doing my art the most right now.....but soon.
God bless
LOL
Ricky

Sept 8th, 2009

Well what a day so far! I've been to the Chemo doctor and this was the day he has started me on some chemo pills called Xeloda.
Now the best thing about this is no needle for three days straight. The pills will last 14 days straight (8 each day) and 7 days off and start them again. I really don't know the side effects of this regimen yet but I will keep you updated.
Doc had another tough thing to say and that was....If this doesn't work I don't have anything else for you. Now that's a statement!
I've always believed this to be GOD healed or it would never be and number 2, there comes a time to 'cut bait or fish'. So this is no surprise and my prayers have been to be healed and to be taken off this chemo. My prayer is being answered one way or another. GOD IS GOOD TO ME.
To me this is an exciting time and I get to participate in it. Many of you have similar or worse circumstances. Faith in God is what I rest my day in. My prayers go out to you and please send some up for me. Get out those journals and write or doodle.

"You are faking it..."

I was accused the other day of faking it. The accusation was..."Every time we ask how you are you say, I'm doing well." Then they went on to inform me I had to be fibbing.
This made me think back to when I was a kid and my Grandma would call me into the house from playing. Grandma would say..."Now get on in there boy and wash everything that shows." hahha I can hear her now. Anyway this statement made me think of faking a bath or anything we do in life and putting on a show for all to see. BUT, let's examine this for a minute.
We all have our beliefs we live with and die with and some may not understand mine or yours. You all know that I am a christian and in the book of James it states, "A double minded person is unstable in all his ways". So instead of just washing what shows, or faking it by telling people I am doing well and lying to them.....I really confess and believe in my mind I am doing well. My body just hasn't caught up with my beliefs/mind.
Everyone knows that the body is led by the mind/head. If I were to say I am well one time and then change 5 minutes later I would appear unstable or double-minded as in the book of James. This does not mean I am in denial of pain etc. BUT I speak more of what's well with me than what isn't. The more my mind hears my positive speech/belief the more it will inform my body of how it should be. A type of reprogramming.
Now I know some of you are going WOW, he is out there today. Trust me when I say that I have practiced this for decades and know for a fact that this works in my behalf more than the alternative of wishy washy language. Wanting to be well but moaning and restating to everyone all your aches and pains does nothing but produces more aches and pains. You talk yourself into miserableness...the mind is leading the body in how it should be. This takes some learning and time to practice and become who you are. So washing what only shows is ok some of the times but we really need that 100% bath, all over, to be totally clean and feeling good. This bath is the quality of thoughts and the renewing of how you think. Call it self talk or selling yourself on how you want to be.
Take your thoughts and drive a standard in the ground and don't waver for nothing. In 2 Corinthians 5:7, it tells the christian to walk by faith and not by sight. My faith is in God and what HE has done and is doing for me. This is by belief and I get my thoughts renewed to this along with my speech. Mys speech is such as, how well I look and getting stronger day by day etc.. If others are going to talk about you let them repeat the positive things that you locked and loaded their lips with. I don't see myself sick even though I have pain etc.. I have a healthy of picture of myself in my head and the thinking/thoughts that go with it. Dwell on these things and not the negative. YOU are making a choice. THINK ABOUT IT! God bless..LOL

Guess What ?

How much can GOD love one person? I know it is infinite because of all HE does for me and others around me. GUESS WHAT? The doctors called yesterday and have a NEW medicine for me to take...not only that but it is pill form so my whole lifestyle should change for the better. Praise the LORD! I won't know until September 8th at my new appointment what is entailed. They want me to recover from this little poisoning event last week...me too! So thanks for all the prayer and continue to keep me on your prayer bench....I'm still in the game, just warming up for the main event...GOD IS GOOD! Have a blessed day...I will...and I am praying for you. LOL

I'm SO BLESSED!

Yeah! Bravo! I'm the man! I won something!!! You heard it here first...I received a phone call yesterday afternoon from a state watercolor society. (Can't divulge which state yet..sorry). I had entered one of my paintings into their annual national invitational and they informed me I received one of the awards. YEA!
This, of course, comes with a nice little prize package....I'll take all I can get. The reception and opening of the show is still a few weeks away but they wanted me to make plans on trying to be there to receive my award. GOD is good!
It is always nice to win something and it never gets old. I have been very fortunate over the years to receive awards at the larger venues.
Anyway I just wanted to share this good news with my friends and say this has made my day, week or more. I can show you the painting but I can't tell you where it was entered until after the opening reception. Thanks to all of you for comments and may you be blessed as much and more than I in your endeavors...praying for each of you. LOL

8%

Let's think about this for a minute...please. How great a number is 8 anyway? If we're talking 8 out of 10, it wouldn't be bad or even 8 out of 20 but when we start to get into 8 out of 50 or 8 out of a hundred, it starts to fade quickly ....right. Well they say I have an 8 % chance to live 60 months from time of diagnosis..(December of 07'). So everday I am either burning what daylight I have left and entering into never never land....maybe. Man's ways are not Gods ways...amen.
You and I need a paradigm shift....stay with me on this, please. What about the 92% we haven't mentioned yet!!! ??? WOW! What is being said is they have no chance of even making it the 60 months or near it. SHUT UP! Who is putting all these numbers and percentages out there to sway your mind?
Turning this around makes me happy I have an 8% chance to make it 60 months and longer.....even more important knowing that man can't even get the weather right, with all the stats we have for a century, really makes me get excited and say WHY can't I be in that 8% and once more WHO are they to lay this --------= on me or you? In those famous words..."I'm mad as HELL and I ain't going to take it anymore".! Keep your so called bad news to yourself and If you don't have something good to say to me....DON"T say anything at all..amen. WOW, I think I'm through preaching now but most of you get my point.
Some of these people want to lay these figures on you and I watch most people start to roll over and do as told. WELL, nobody knows the hairs on my head or the days I'll be on this earth except GOD. HE said it and I believe it, end of story.
If any of you are buying their textbook info, be sure you are guarding yourself well with the right outlook, mental and spiritual strength, and surrounding yourself with those who are in your corner to FIGHT to the bitter end. This is about you and not some textbook stats being correct. I've decided not to be in the 8 or the 92! They don't influence me ... I influence them! Let their numbers be changed because of you and me. God bless and THINK about it. LOL

Poisoned !

WOW WHEE!!! What a roller coaster the last four days have been....thank God it was me it was happening too and not one of you. I wouldn't have wished this on anyone.
Where do I start? Well you know the part about being somewhat sick over the chemo..right? What I didn't say was that Wednesday night I thought I was dying.. for real. It was pain, aches, anguish, angst, nausea, diarrhea and all over walking the floor in the dark all night! I cannot exaggerate enough. This was totally a new set of circumstances, during treatment, than usual. I came so close to ripping that pump needle out of my chest....thank God I didn't.
I found out yesterday, at the clinic, when they were unhooking me and asking were there any unusual things this time....phewf! Being smart mouth I wanted to say..."You mean outside of the nose bleeds, stool bleeding, headache, nausea, steroids racing through my veins so I can't sit still, no appetite or just the food tasting like chalk all the time?" ...but I didn't.
I just looked up and said, "Yeah there are a few things"...and they wanted the description. So , I proceeded to tell them. They finally stopped me in mid paragraph and went to get the Doctor's #1 RN. We started all over and she said, "My gosh! What was going on'? ahahahahahaha! RIGHT! She then proceeded to take blood and tell me to wait for the doc, who I never see when I get unplugged.
Later the RN returned to inform me I had a severe reaction..(HAHAHAHA) and it was a build up of the chemo poison in my system and the new treatment sent my body into a poison shock.....NO ------------! (Can I say that with dashes?). It will take me a few days to bouce back and they were sorry, that it must have been horrible feeling. blah, blah, blah.
So home I went and prayed that somehow God restore my strength and system sooner than later. GOD IS GOOD TO RICKY! I passed out about 3 a.m. and woke about 7:30a.m.....I've never felt more energetic in a long time and it is now 5:32p.m. and I'm still doing good. Thank You LORD.
Now I thank each of you for your support through this and could not have made it as well without you....I MEAN IT! God bless each and let me know when I can do my part on YOUR behalf.....in any way. LOL

Burning the Fog

Marina Sun
Originally uploaded by Ricky Holtman

Some days are foggier than others but yet if you will give it time the sun will always come through.
I had a foggy day yesterday and last night but I am praising the sun coming through today. The outlook is always different although both hold their own type of beauty.
The hot news about my gene test is I have the wrong one or it has mutated out of control for the chemo they were going to try....so on to the next battle. Doc said the chemo I'm on has stopped working so they're looking for something and for me to hang in there....like I got a choice.ahahaha.
My lungs sounded good to him and the CAT scans showed no new areas plus the tumors on my liver have maybe gotten 5 % bigger which is no big deal. He thinks I look healthy and they just can't figure me out...hahaha....People can't figure God out either and I keep hanging around HIM...so things are good for me.
They decided to go ahead with my regular three day chemo treatment so that I would have at least something in my system. WOW what a night....no sleep due to the steroids in it and I had nausea and all the good stuff......I think I am being poisoned! ahahaha...for those of you who don't know, chemo is poison.
Another day and maybe some rest and I will be good to go and maybe I'll take a ride on one of these boats in the picture.
I paint sometimes from memory when I can't get out of the house and this is one I painted the other day...watercolor. I thought you might enjoy it. GOD bless and thanks for all the prayers and good vibes you are sending my way.

Memories

My Mentor's Style
Originally uploaded by Ricky Holtman

Painting pictures like this are a healing process for me. I've spoken on this subject several times before. When I finished this I thought it would be nice to share it with my friends....YOU.
So get out there and do some journaling or even some art and you'll be blessed for it. GOD BLESS

CAT Scan Day

I arrived at the hospital around 6:30 a.m.. They drew some blood and then off to the races, down the hall to another room. Nurses were the only one there this early in the morning but they did my paperwork and I took a seat.
It's kind of ironic what happened next.....I sat there about 15 minutes and in walks this pretty nurse carrying the normal two big glasses of some ugly stuff to drink, Barium. Just guessing that the pretty nurse is suppose to offset the terrible tasting Barium..ahha. It didn't.
After waiting for 1 hour they called me in and proceeded to do the CAT scans. Of course I had to have iodine shot into my system for contrast so they poked me again with the needle. But this young lady was excellent because I didn't feel a thing. You know I just noticed how many times I use the word 'Young'...ahaha I must be getting old ???
Anyway, after two and one half hours I left and came home. It's been a good day and not many side effects except the diarrhea from the Barium. I saw quite a few people worse off than myself...if that's possible.
I just wanted to keep you updated on my trials. The doctor should tell me some results next Wednesday when I go in for chemo. God bless

Behavior ?

Everyone in the group seemed nice enough but their behavior was little stoic, staid, or maybe just a relaxed attitude. I felt maybe they all knew something I didn't know. What was this I was sensing.
After listening to the speaker I soon realized that it was their behavior toward one another and the way all of the new people were accepted to the group. Was this for real or some fake kindness? It felt good but yet how can all these people be acting with such unlimited inclusiveness into their circle of influence?
I needed to know how this was happening or what they were going to get out of it. Soon I came to realize that the speaker was speaking on this very subject.... "Your behavior is directly related to the thoughts you conceive....BUT....you will act on only those precepts you truly believe!" Further more these precepts have had to have already been experienced,to know the truth in them, or come from a source you believe is an authority.
So, I am old enough to know some things work and some don't by experience BUT I would love to know a source I could count on and circumvent a lot of mishaps and false starts in my life. The speaker then mentioned that this unlimited love for one another by this group was due to the words and precepts practiced in l Corinthians 13 of the bible. Then it all made sense to me that this group were all christians and were practicing their faith in the highest source of the land, GOD and HIS word.
They had found the Law of Reciprocity (Golden Rule) really works BUT first an individual had to put it in motion. You put out good thoughts you get good thoughts back. This is like planting seeds and waiting for the harvest out in the future. WOW!
I said I can do this!
Now you may know "the rest of the story".....All my blogs, for the most part, are attached to the above truth. Every time you purposely make someone else life better, you are really improving your own. So how about a kind word or act toward some one. This is really about loving one self. By the way....the above speaker was me and the group is my bible study group I teach every week.
Here's my seed planting for the day .....Remember that behavior is directly affected by what we believe....What are you believing in? I truly love all of you out there and from my beliefs, God loves you too. Have a great day.......I will.

Are YOU Drinking the Koolaide ?

Let's get into that day planner and start making plans. Who knows if any of us are here for another month, year or even tomorrow. So if you have been diagnosed with some ugly thing, and they're all ugly, don't stop living!
If you aren't careful you will drink the Koolaide.........let no one dictate to you how things are going to go. You have a choice in the matter!
Our creator made our bodies to regenerate themselves. Watch a cut heal and hair grow back. Our brain resets itself to help our bodies deal with any new information. The question is.....What information are you feeding it? Are you going to drink the Koolaide and go to the 'Killing Fields' or CHOOSE life? I've chosen life and will not entertain my thoughts, and subject my body, with any other speech and I WILL NOT allow others to entertain me, such as doctors, with their 'Koolaide Diagnosis'. If it isn't helpful don't dump it on my door step! Do for me what you can and I will enact my God given ability to have my body start the healing process. It may take a long time but if I don't waiver neither will the truth. God is good to me and others.
You are what you eat, listen too, look at, speak, and think! Never doubt it...THINK! Meditate on the above and start today with what you know in your heart is truth. Now go make some plans to do something next week, next month, and next year! Fill that day planner up and watch it come about step by step.....we need a purpose in life. Remember the body was made to regenerate itself, skin, nails, hair and etc.., but it cannot heal side effects.

Sweet Summer Rain

WOW! Early hours of the morning we had a great shower and it still is only in the 70's and it's approaching noon. Glory to God for the air cleaning system He has put into place. I love it.
This morning I was out walking early, early, with my Jack Russell and it was so cool, clean smelling, birds singing and so very refreshing. Every day could start this way for me, if it so be. To get that fragrance of clean in my nostrils takes me back.
Back to when my mom would hang out all the laundry on a clothes line. We had no drier then. After drying I loved to run through them. The sheets billowing in the breeze, and then stick my nose against them to smell.....so clean and refreshing.
I believe it's good to hold on to things that will take you to one of the happy times in your life. One of those things for me is the "Sweet Summer Rain". It takes me home, many years ago. I get refreshed and renewed in my body, soul and spirit. What's yours? God bless and happy trails.

Favoritism is Forbidden

Great lesson this morning from James chapter 2 of the bible. Playing favorites with people is forbidden! In other words no one is better or more important than others.....we are all equal regardless of gender, physical makeup, monies, education, place of origin, or color of skin.
This got me thinking about all this healthcare talk going on....especially when I'm in the middle of it, big time, the last 2 years. God forbid some individual is given the authority to grant the healthcare I need let alone want. How dare this individual or group have a different thinking, favoritism toward some ideology, that believes my life or medical treatment should change or stop at 50, 60 yrs of age, or any number! We already have this on the front end with abortion where the individual being aborted doesn't get consulted!!!
WOW.........I understand why 'Favoritism is Forbidden". Who would ever show you mercy to be treated according to your wishes or even allow you the right to live? What about that loved one that isn't deemed necessary due to cost on society or color of hair. Where and when would it end..........if ever! THINK

What a difference Friends Make !!

"Come over and have a cup of coffee this morning"....ever hear those words?
I don't very often but when I do there is always a blessing involved, on the other end. Personally I've taken friends for granted for too many years until I was diagnosed and have been wrestling with this thief..(Cancer).
But I've learned just how important friends are and can be...WOWOW! That includes you guys on this site also. Getting back to the story earlier mentioned...I went for coffee. Of course when I arrived they had bacon, sausage, eggs, toast, fruit and coffee.
It was a wonderful time and I felt 10 times better when I left than when I showed up. They can never know how much their hospitality means to us who are suffering in one fashion or another. These are christian friends so on the way out the door they prayed for me.....what a send off. GOD IS GOOD!
I pray you can call someone up and invite them over...or go out for a cola. Anything is great and both of you will be blessed
In the bible it states "we are to show hospitality at all time because we entertain Angels unaware".. Maybe you will be in this situation....think about it.
God bless.

Wild Thing?

There's an old song by that name...'WILD THING'. My doctor and I had kind of a heart to heart conversation yesterday...this is my chemo week.
He was telling about the chemo not being effective and that sooner or later, if that happens, I will just be off of it and that's how things are. Life will then play out as life always does. Then he proceeded to talk about scheduling me for CAT scans in two weeks. I haven't had one in 4 months. He wants to see what's going on inside of me.
He said I look so healthy but some of my test on the blood are in the low range etc. But he went on to talk about 'Oncogenes'. These are the genes that turn on or off cancer. He wants to test mine and see if I am a candidate for some new experimental chemo medicine.
The kind of gene I need is called 'Wild Thing', believe or not. I hope I have all this correct. Anyway I started thinking about the old song Wild Thing I think I love you.....(Showing my age now).
I turn all of this over to God and see what's on my plate next. Til then prayers as always and believing HIS every word....it's worked for me for decades.
So think positive thoughts about 'WILD THINGS'...ahahaha
God bless