Thanks!!

Thanks so much for the uplifting comments. They help me make through the day.
I saw my Oncologist on Tuesday and he has released me from chemo because none of it is working. So I'll just check in once a month with them unless something happens.
My prayer has been of late to take me off chemo and the LORD has done that. I'm very happy and look forward to my future. Keep praying that I get to feeling better the longer I'm off of chemo. Its been two years on December 8th...WOWOW....I can't believe it. GOD IS GOOD!
I don't really remember what feeling descent is like....soon though, very soon.
Let me know how I can help you guys....Most of my time is spent taking care of me, aches and pains etc.
God bless
Ricky

ALIVE!

WOW! I woke up this morning with new vigor and resolve. Thanks to the Grace of GOD and your prayers and good vibes. Thank You!
I really can't express how great it feels to have a good day or several again. My sleeping in bed is improving....I'm up to about 40 minutes at a time before the pain says get up but it's coming around. I think I'll actually do some art this coming week for the first time in weeks. God is good.
I still don't see my oncologist til the 17th and don't have any idea what the game plan is. My neurapathy is improving along with my appetite. I have to stop losing weight. I pray for you all and thanks for your comments. Everyone is busy with their own lives and I respect that. Let me know if I can be of any help to you guys and thanks again for bearing with me through these tough weeks. It will get better....just a slight hiccup in the highway of life.
God bless
LOL
Ricky

8%

Let's think about this for a minute...please. How great a number is 8 anyway? If we're talking 8 out of 10, it wouldn't be bad or even 8 out of 20 but when we start to get into 8 out of 50 or 8 out of a hundred, it starts to fade quickly ....right. Well they say I have an 8 % chance to live 60 months from time of diagnosis..(December of 07'). So everday I am either burning what daylight I have left and entering into never never land....maybe. Man's ways are not Gods ways...amen.
You and I need a paradigm shift....stay with me on this, please. What about the 92% we haven't mentioned yet!!! ??? WOW! What is being said is they have no chance of even making it the 60 months or near it. SHUT UP! Who is putting all these numbers and percentages out there to sway your mind?
Turning this around makes me happy I have an 8% chance to make it 60 months and longer.....even more important knowing that man can't even get the weather right, with all the stats we have for a century, really makes me get excited and say WHY can't I be in that 8% and once more WHO are they to lay this --------= on me or you? In those famous words..."I'm mad as HELL and I ain't going to take it anymore".! Keep your so called bad news to yourself and If you don't have something good to say to me....DON"T say anything at all..amen. WOW, I think I'm through preaching now but most of you get my point.
Some of these people want to lay these figures on you and I watch most people start to roll over and do as told. WELL, nobody knows the hairs on my head or the days I'll be on this earth except GOD. HE said it and I believe it, end of story.
If any of you are buying their textbook info, be sure you are guarding yourself well with the right outlook, mental and spiritual strength, and surrounding yourself with those who are in your corner to FIGHT to the bitter end. This is about you and not some textbook stats being correct. I've decided not to be in the 8 or the 92! They don't influence me ... I influence them! Let their numbers be changed because of you and me. God bless and THINK about it. LOL

Poisoned !

WOW WHEE!!! What a roller coaster the last four days have been....thank God it was me it was happening too and not one of you. I wouldn't have wished this on anyone.
Where do I start? Well you know the part about being somewhat sick over the chemo..right? What I didn't say was that Wednesday night I thought I was dying.. for real. It was pain, aches, anguish, angst, nausea, diarrhea and all over walking the floor in the dark all night! I cannot exaggerate enough. This was totally a new set of circumstances, during treatment, than usual. I came so close to ripping that pump needle out of my chest....thank God I didn't.
I found out yesterday, at the clinic, when they were unhooking me and asking were there any unusual things this time....phewf! Being smart mouth I wanted to say..."You mean outside of the nose bleeds, stool bleeding, headache, nausea, steroids racing through my veins so I can't sit still, no appetite or just the food tasting like chalk all the time?" ...but I didn't.
I just looked up and said, "Yeah there are a few things"...and they wanted the description. So , I proceeded to tell them. They finally stopped me in mid paragraph and went to get the Doctor's #1 RN. We started all over and she said, "My gosh! What was going on'? ahahahahahaha! RIGHT! She then proceeded to take blood and tell me to wait for the doc, who I never see when I get unplugged.
Later the RN returned to inform me I had a severe reaction..(HAHAHAHA) and it was a build up of the chemo poison in my system and the new treatment sent my body into a poison shock.....NO ------------! (Can I say that with dashes?). It will take me a few days to bouce back and they were sorry, that it must have been horrible feeling. blah, blah, blah.
So home I went and prayed that somehow God restore my strength and system sooner than later. GOD IS GOOD TO RICKY! I passed out about 3 a.m. and woke about 7:30a.m.....I've never felt more energetic in a long time and it is now 5:32p.m. and I'm still doing good. Thank You LORD.
Now I thank each of you for your support through this and could not have made it as well without you....I MEAN IT! God bless each and let me know when I can do my part on YOUR behalf.....in any way. LOL

Burning the Fog

Marina Sun
Originally uploaded by Ricky Holtman

Some days are foggier than others but yet if you will give it time the sun will always come through.
I had a foggy day yesterday and last night but I am praising the sun coming through today. The outlook is always different although both hold their own type of beauty.
The hot news about my gene test is I have the wrong one or it has mutated out of control for the chemo they were going to try....so on to the next battle. Doc said the chemo I'm on has stopped working so they're looking for something and for me to hang in there....like I got a choice.ahahaha.
My lungs sounded good to him and the CAT scans showed no new areas plus the tumors on my liver have maybe gotten 5 % bigger which is no big deal. He thinks I look healthy and they just can't figure me out...hahaha....People can't figure God out either and I keep hanging around HIM...so things are good for me.
They decided to go ahead with my regular three day chemo treatment so that I would have at least something in my system. WOW what a night....no sleep due to the steroids in it and I had nausea and all the good stuff......I think I am being poisoned! ahahaha...for those of you who don't know, chemo is poison.
Another day and maybe some rest and I will be good to go and maybe I'll take a ride on one of these boats in the picture.
I paint sometimes from memory when I can't get out of the house and this is one I painted the other day...watercolor. I thought you might enjoy it. GOD bless and thanks for all the prayers and good vibes you are sending my way.

CAT Scan Day

I arrived at the hospital around 6:30 a.m.. They drew some blood and then off to the races, down the hall to another room. Nurses were the only one there this early in the morning but they did my paperwork and I took a seat.
It's kind of ironic what happened next.....I sat there about 15 minutes and in walks this pretty nurse carrying the normal two big glasses of some ugly stuff to drink, Barium. Just guessing that the pretty nurse is suppose to offset the terrible tasting Barium..ahha. It didn't.
After waiting for 1 hour they called me in and proceeded to do the CAT scans. Of course I had to have iodine shot into my system for contrast so they poked me again with the needle. But this young lady was excellent because I didn't feel a thing. You know I just noticed how many times I use the word 'Young'...ahaha I must be getting old ???
Anyway, after two and one half hours I left and came home. It's been a good day and not many side effects except the diarrhea from the Barium. I saw quite a few people worse off than myself...if that's possible.
I just wanted to keep you updated on my trials. The doctor should tell me some results next Wednesday when I go in for chemo. God bless

After the Party

There's always the time 'After the Party'. My party of chemo is over again, I think, because with lingering side effects it's just one of those things that just keeps on giving.
Anyway I feel so much better today than I have since last Tuesday...thank you Jesus.
This treatment seemed a little rougher than most.....don't know why. The diarrhea and constipation have been worse but if that's all I have to deal with bring it on........amen.
A buddy of mine was told this week that he may have prostate cancer and it has already moved to his lymph nodes and possibly his bones. God forbid! but can you believe the doctors laying that on you, sending you home for the weekend, and they haven't even finished the tests or gotten any definite answers back. So I spent some time trying to talk him back from the brink of total depression. Sometimes these doctors must get so jaded and speak to you like you're just another case. While all the time I am waiting for them to say NEXT! This isn't all the doctors but quite a few because I have fired a couple because of no HOPE in their speech toward me, so I said NEXT DOCTOR PLEASE!
The world is difficult enough with the diagnosis without having people who treat you almost indifferent.
Thank you for letting me get that out of my system but maybe you and others are going through this. IF you are I pray for all the positive things in the world to come your way and hope this community helps you somehow.
Let us all know!
Happy trails until I see you again.......now go journal or art. Thanks to all of you for your comments to the blogs.......YOU"RE GREAT!!!!!!!!!!
LOL!

Chemo Treatment

Well here I am again with a chemo week. I was in the chair for 4 hours yesterday and I 'm wearing the pump until tomorrow. Can't wait to get it off.....if you know what I mean. They did a blood test yesterday for tumor markers in the blood stream, I think they call it CEA. Anyway it comes back tomorrow and we'll get the results. The number has been rising which we don't want. Nothing I can do about it except believe GOD to give me the Grace to deal with it...and HE always has and will. That's one of the nice things about being a christian. Tomorrow is another day. Please feel free to comment and tell us your viewpoints on things.
You don't have to have cancer or had it. We welcome those who are or have been caregivers and anyone who wants to share a comment that will benefit us all. God bless.