Thanks!!

Thanks so much for the uplifting comments. They help me make through the day.
I saw my Oncologist on Tuesday and he has released me from chemo because none of it is working. So I'll just check in once a month with them unless something happens.
My prayer has been of late to take me off chemo and the LORD has done that. I'm very happy and look forward to my future. Keep praying that I get to feeling better the longer I'm off of chemo. Its been two years on December 8th...WOWOW....I can't believe it. GOD IS GOOD!
I don't really remember what feeling descent is like....soon though, very soon.
Let me know how I can help you guys....Most of my time is spent taking care of me, aches and pains etc.
God bless
Ricky

ALIVE!

WOW! I woke up this morning with new vigor and resolve. Thanks to the Grace of GOD and your prayers and good vibes. Thank You!
I really can't express how great it feels to have a good day or several again. My sleeping in bed is improving....I'm up to about 40 minutes at a time before the pain says get up but it's coming around. I think I'll actually do some art this coming week for the first time in weeks. God is good.
I still don't see my oncologist til the 17th and don't have any idea what the game plan is. My neurapathy is improving along with my appetite. I have to stop losing weight. I pray for you all and thanks for your comments. Everyone is busy with their own lives and I respect that. Let me know if I can be of any help to you guys and thanks again for bearing with me through these tough weeks. It will get better....just a slight hiccup in the highway of life.
God bless
LOL
Ricky

In His Grace

Wow! I am so sorry that I haven't been able to write to you guys. Life has become busy for me.
After getting a rest from chemo it decided to go into other side effects and I've been dealing with those. GOD IS GOOD! and I am a high maintenance ****** , whatever these days. But things are looking up.
I am now seeing a chiropractor, 3 times a week, for my hips and lower back. They are all screwed up from surgery, way back when, and have just gotten to a very painful spot.
I am getting some relief now but still have long ways to go. Maybe I told you, but I have not slept in a bed in over 3 months due to back pain. The idea of cuddling up in a bed and sleeping is something I pray for soon. Lucky I have a bed because some don't even have that.
Anyway.....truly, all is well but I am so busy with me I have no time for art yet nor my blogging....hang in there.
Your comments are food to my soul. GOD bless each of you and your plans.
Let me know what's happening out there.
LOL
Ricky

My Prayer Answered

Thank you my friends for prayers and good vibe sending my way. I'm just getting up and going again after quite a few weeks of Yo-Yo land.
I was in to see my doctor yesterday, as usual. He knew all the problems I've been having plus not being able to walk. They had my medicine ready to go and he just looked at me and shook his head. You are looking...???? so I am going to take you off chemo. YEA!!!!!!! My prayer answered .....He thinks my body needs a break, because it's been so long without one.
He said don't come back for a month ....I want to see if your body will build itself back some. I'm on a Z pak for some cold I picked up last week. Anyway God is GOOD!
A whole month off of chemo.....I can't wait. Thanks for praying and keep it up.
I'm sorry I haven't written much but I haven't been feeling well.
Thanks and GOD BLESS
Ricky

Hot Footing it!

Hey Gang,
Hope all is well with you. I am just checking in to let you know I'm still around and so are my side effects. The doctor ordered some more medicine today to offset some of the effects....will see.
This time it's my feet. They are so sore on the bottoms I can't hardly walk.....I look like someone trying to walk across hot coals..hahaha. But soon this will pass as does all things.....it's just a waiting game.
Not doing much art yet for taking care of me....I told you I'm high maintenance. hahaha.
God bless
Ricky

God's Cathedral

Glad to be back where I can say hello again on this computer. Yes I have been in the woods, held up in a two room cabin for a few days....I call this God's Cathedral. It's so beautiful with all the birds, deer, bear and yes even ferral pigs, some people know them by the name razorbacks.
Starting out I almost didn't make it to the cabin because of side effects but we did. The 'WE' of course is my faithful companion...my wife Chery. Then day by day and drawing by drawing I came back much better than when I left. I just had to get in tune with my spirit and my God's Spirit. Now that I've revitalized all the old juices I may be able to go a few more miles, God willing.
I pray all is well with you........thanks for thinking of me while gone and please let me hear from you.
LOL
Ricky

Changing colors

Another visit today with my doctor. He is cutting back on the chemo pills to see if it will straighten me out some. GOD only knows how much I would love to get past this. Anyway all else looks good and I praise the LORD for that. Just wanted you to know. I'll be out of email for a few days again but this time to go and paint where the trees are turning colors and I may also turn colors..hhaha. Praying all is well with you guys.
LOL
Ricky

Truth or Consequences

The air is cool and crisp as it blows across my face. I can't seem to inhale enough of it. It must be my eagerness this early morning to take in all of God's creation....I've always been this way when I feel blessed just to be on this planet and to know what I have come to know as truth. All truth, if practiced, has its consequences. It will either minister to you or against you.
What is your truth and do you take time to contemplate its affect on you and others in your environment? Are you still searching for that truth that some have definitely found and others wish they had? An age old question: How can a black and white cow eat green grass and give us white milk and yellow butter?
The truth is that some things may never get answered to our satisfaction and may jade us to other truths.
I say all these things because I had a friend die recently and the question on his lips was..."Why me?" "What have I done to deserve dying like this?" He had never found the truth of life nor its author.
He was jealous of my truth because of the calm, peace and hope it gives me daily over the decades. But I tried to share my truth with him and he just couldn't receive it as his truth. Life issues can be so illusive and demanding....WHY? you might ask. Because the truth lives in the infinite and we are trying to capture its essence with a finite mind. We must search out and take time to practice a truth and in its proof to us, it is truth, we can decide to willfully submit to it for our benefit or not submit. Consequences either way. But don't wait, like my friend, until time has run its course. Think about it..

LOL
Soli Deo Gloria
Ricky

WOW!

Hey Gang!
Thanks for all the comments and checking to see where I'm at.....I'm ok..sort of. I've been having some side effect issues with this new chemo but I take my last dose of it tonight and then I have a 7 day interrupt before I go on it again for 14 days.
The doctor and I have had a few conversations this past week over my problems. He's had to stop and start me off and on and take other medicine for the diarrhea and cramping etc..
Sorry I haven't been on the computer to communicate but it's taken all my time to take care of me....hahahaha . I'm a high maintenance individual right now.
God is good though and this is just a little hiccup in the game of life.
I pray all of you have been well and let me know how I can send positive vibes your direction along with a prayer, if you don't mind.
Please keep check on me once in a while....just to make sure I haven't run off to join the circus.
I miss doing my art the most right now.....but soon.
God bless
LOL
Ricky

Sept 8th, 2009

Well what a day so far! I've been to the Chemo doctor and this was the day he has started me on some chemo pills called Xeloda.
Now the best thing about this is no needle for three days straight. The pills will last 14 days straight (8 each day) and 7 days off and start them again. I really don't know the side effects of this regimen yet but I will keep you updated.
Doc had another tough thing to say and that was....If this doesn't work I don't have anything else for you. Now that's a statement!
I've always believed this to be GOD healed or it would never be and number 2, there comes a time to 'cut bait or fish'. So this is no surprise and my prayers have been to be healed and to be taken off this chemo. My prayer is being answered one way or another. GOD IS GOOD TO ME.
To me this is an exciting time and I get to participate in it. Many of you have similar or worse circumstances. Faith in God is what I rest my day in. My prayers go out to you and please send some up for me. Get out those journals and write or doodle.

"You are faking it..."

I was accused the other day of faking it. The accusation was..."Every time we ask how you are you say, I'm doing well." Then they went on to inform me I had to be fibbing.
This made me think back to when I was a kid and my Grandma would call me into the house from playing. Grandma would say..."Now get on in there boy and wash everything that shows." hahha I can hear her now. Anyway this statement made me think of faking a bath or anything we do in life and putting on a show for all to see. BUT, let's examine this for a minute.
We all have our beliefs we live with and die with and some may not understand mine or yours. You all know that I am a christian and in the book of James it states, "A double minded person is unstable in all his ways". So instead of just washing what shows, or faking it by telling people I am doing well and lying to them.....I really confess and believe in my mind I am doing well. My body just hasn't caught up with my beliefs/mind.
Everyone knows that the body is led by the mind/head. If I were to say I am well one time and then change 5 minutes later I would appear unstable or double-minded as in the book of James. This does not mean I am in denial of pain etc. BUT I speak more of what's well with me than what isn't. The more my mind hears my positive speech/belief the more it will inform my body of how it should be. A type of reprogramming.
Now I know some of you are going WOW, he is out there today. Trust me when I say that I have practiced this for decades and know for a fact that this works in my behalf more than the alternative of wishy washy language. Wanting to be well but moaning and restating to everyone all your aches and pains does nothing but produces more aches and pains. You talk yourself into miserableness...the mind is leading the body in how it should be. This takes some learning and time to practice and become who you are. So washing what only shows is ok some of the times but we really need that 100% bath, all over, to be totally clean and feeling good. This bath is the quality of thoughts and the renewing of how you think. Call it self talk or selling yourself on how you want to be.
Take your thoughts and drive a standard in the ground and don't waver for nothing. In 2 Corinthians 5:7, it tells the christian to walk by faith and not by sight. My faith is in God and what HE has done and is doing for me. This is by belief and I get my thoughts renewed to this along with my speech. Mys speech is such as, how well I look and getting stronger day by day etc.. If others are going to talk about you let them repeat the positive things that you locked and loaded their lips with. I don't see myself sick even though I have pain etc.. I have a healthy of picture of myself in my head and the thinking/thoughts that go with it. Dwell on these things and not the negative. YOU are making a choice. THINK ABOUT IT! God bless..LOL

Guess What ?

How much can GOD love one person? I know it is infinite because of all HE does for me and others around me. GUESS WHAT? The doctors called yesterday and have a NEW medicine for me to take...not only that but it is pill form so my whole lifestyle should change for the better. Praise the LORD! I won't know until September 8th at my new appointment what is entailed. They want me to recover from this little poisoning event last week...me too! So thanks for all the prayer and continue to keep me on your prayer bench....I'm still in the game, just warming up for the main event...GOD IS GOOD! Have a blessed day...I will...and I am praying for you. LOL

I'm SO BLESSED!

Yeah! Bravo! I'm the man! I won something!!! You heard it here first...I received a phone call yesterday afternoon from a state watercolor society. (Can't divulge which state yet..sorry). I had entered one of my paintings into their annual national invitational and they informed me I received one of the awards. YEA!
This, of course, comes with a nice little prize package....I'll take all I can get. The reception and opening of the show is still a few weeks away but they wanted me to make plans on trying to be there to receive my award. GOD is good!
It is always nice to win something and it never gets old. I have been very fortunate over the years to receive awards at the larger venues.
Anyway I just wanted to share this good news with my friends and say this has made my day, week or more. I can show you the painting but I can't tell you where it was entered until after the opening reception. Thanks to all of you for comments and may you be blessed as much and more than I in your endeavors...praying for each of you. LOL

8%

Let's think about this for a minute...please. How great a number is 8 anyway? If we're talking 8 out of 10, it wouldn't be bad or even 8 out of 20 but when we start to get into 8 out of 50 or 8 out of a hundred, it starts to fade quickly ....right. Well they say I have an 8 % chance to live 60 months from time of diagnosis..(December of 07'). So everday I am either burning what daylight I have left and entering into never never land....maybe. Man's ways are not Gods ways...amen.
You and I need a paradigm shift....stay with me on this, please. What about the 92% we haven't mentioned yet!!! ??? WOW! What is being said is they have no chance of even making it the 60 months or near it. SHUT UP! Who is putting all these numbers and percentages out there to sway your mind?
Turning this around makes me happy I have an 8% chance to make it 60 months and longer.....even more important knowing that man can't even get the weather right, with all the stats we have for a century, really makes me get excited and say WHY can't I be in that 8% and once more WHO are they to lay this --------= on me or you? In those famous words..."I'm mad as HELL and I ain't going to take it anymore".! Keep your so called bad news to yourself and If you don't have something good to say to me....DON"T say anything at all..amen. WOW, I think I'm through preaching now but most of you get my point.
Some of these people want to lay these figures on you and I watch most people start to roll over and do as told. WELL, nobody knows the hairs on my head or the days I'll be on this earth except GOD. HE said it and I believe it, end of story.
If any of you are buying their textbook info, be sure you are guarding yourself well with the right outlook, mental and spiritual strength, and surrounding yourself with those who are in your corner to FIGHT to the bitter end. This is about you and not some textbook stats being correct. I've decided not to be in the 8 or the 92! They don't influence me ... I influence them! Let their numbers be changed because of you and me. God bless and THINK about it. LOL

Poisoned !

WOW WHEE!!! What a roller coaster the last four days have been....thank God it was me it was happening too and not one of you. I wouldn't have wished this on anyone.
Where do I start? Well you know the part about being somewhat sick over the chemo..right? What I didn't say was that Wednesday night I thought I was dying.. for real. It was pain, aches, anguish, angst, nausea, diarrhea and all over walking the floor in the dark all night! I cannot exaggerate enough. This was totally a new set of circumstances, during treatment, than usual. I came so close to ripping that pump needle out of my chest....thank God I didn't.
I found out yesterday, at the clinic, when they were unhooking me and asking were there any unusual things this time....phewf! Being smart mouth I wanted to say..."You mean outside of the nose bleeds, stool bleeding, headache, nausea, steroids racing through my veins so I can't sit still, no appetite or just the food tasting like chalk all the time?" ...but I didn't.
I just looked up and said, "Yeah there are a few things"...and they wanted the description. So , I proceeded to tell them. They finally stopped me in mid paragraph and went to get the Doctor's #1 RN. We started all over and she said, "My gosh! What was going on'? ahahahahahaha! RIGHT! She then proceeded to take blood and tell me to wait for the doc, who I never see when I get unplugged.
Later the RN returned to inform me I had a severe reaction..(HAHAHAHA) and it was a build up of the chemo poison in my system and the new treatment sent my body into a poison shock.....NO ------------! (Can I say that with dashes?). It will take me a few days to bouce back and they were sorry, that it must have been horrible feeling. blah, blah, blah.
So home I went and prayed that somehow God restore my strength and system sooner than later. GOD IS GOOD TO RICKY! I passed out about 3 a.m. and woke about 7:30a.m.....I've never felt more energetic in a long time and it is now 5:32p.m. and I'm still doing good. Thank You LORD.
Now I thank each of you for your support through this and could not have made it as well without you....I MEAN IT! God bless each and let me know when I can do my part on YOUR behalf.....in any way. LOL

Burning the Fog

Marina Sun
Originally uploaded by Ricky Holtman

Some days are foggier than others but yet if you will give it time the sun will always come through.
I had a foggy day yesterday and last night but I am praising the sun coming through today. The outlook is always different although both hold their own type of beauty.
The hot news about my gene test is I have the wrong one or it has mutated out of control for the chemo they were going to try....so on to the next battle. Doc said the chemo I'm on has stopped working so they're looking for something and for me to hang in there....like I got a choice.ahahaha.
My lungs sounded good to him and the CAT scans showed no new areas plus the tumors on my liver have maybe gotten 5 % bigger which is no big deal. He thinks I look healthy and they just can't figure me out...hahaha....People can't figure God out either and I keep hanging around HIM...so things are good for me.
They decided to go ahead with my regular three day chemo treatment so that I would have at least something in my system. WOW what a night....no sleep due to the steroids in it and I had nausea and all the good stuff......I think I am being poisoned! ahahaha...for those of you who don't know, chemo is poison.
Another day and maybe some rest and I will be good to go and maybe I'll take a ride on one of these boats in the picture.
I paint sometimes from memory when I can't get out of the house and this is one I painted the other day...watercolor. I thought you might enjoy it. GOD bless and thanks for all the prayers and good vibes you are sending my way.

'Tic Toc'

Are you ever able to close your eyes and hear 'Tic Toc'....maybe it's real quite at first but it's somewhere back there getting louder by the passing hour. Well I started hearing it yesterday....that great count down to Wednesday a.m. when I have another chemo treatment and hear about the CAT scans and DNA test on my genes.
Does this happen often in peoples lives....I think so, or at least in mine. It has gotten louder for me as the years have passed by. It's a good voice as long as we don't allow it to drag us in the negative direction. This is where your friends, community, and faith will play a major roll. Surround yourself with positive thinking people, books, movies and community events. Read often and aloud those things that will benefit your spirit and mind. When you are overflowing with this please share comments here with the rest of us so we can benefit.
Now the big question in my head, outside of the 'Tic Toc', is how am I going to react to the information I receive on Wednesday? Well after writing the above I believe I had better make lemonade out of the good news or make lemonade out of the sour lemons I may be handed. Either way I'm going to have lemonade that will benefit my mind, soul, spirit and body! In other words .... "It's a CHOICE" on our part so DO YOUR PART! Think about it....GOD bless.

Memories

My Mentor's Style
Originally uploaded by Ricky Holtman

Painting pictures like this are a healing process for me. I've spoken on this subject several times before. When I finished this I thought it would be nice to share it with my friends....YOU.
So get out there and do some journaling or even some art and you'll be blessed for it. GOD BLESS

Zennia Last Day

Zennia Last Day
Originally uploaded by Ricky Holtman

Loved doing this little watercolor sketch of some dead Zennia in my studio. The colors and texture will make a wonderful larger painting to me. The red ribbon was really a wild card. Enjoy,
Even in their last day they looked pretty to me with the muted colors.

CAT Scan Day

I arrived at the hospital around 6:30 a.m.. They drew some blood and then off to the races, down the hall to another room. Nurses were the only one there this early in the morning but they did my paperwork and I took a seat.
It's kind of ironic what happened next.....I sat there about 15 minutes and in walks this pretty nurse carrying the normal two big glasses of some ugly stuff to drink, Barium. Just guessing that the pretty nurse is suppose to offset the terrible tasting Barium..ahha. It didn't.
After waiting for 1 hour they called me in and proceeded to do the CAT scans. Of course I had to have iodine shot into my system for contrast so they poked me again with the needle. But this young lady was excellent because I didn't feel a thing. You know I just noticed how many times I use the word 'Young'...ahaha I must be getting old ???
Anyway, after two and one half hours I left and came home. It's been a good day and not many side effects except the diarrhea from the Barium. I saw quite a few people worse off than myself...if that's possible.
I just wanted to keep you updated on my trials. The doctor should tell me some results next Wednesday when I go in for chemo. God bless